Tag: Choices

10 Relationship Milestones

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First Time You Introduce Each Other as “Boyfriend” and “Girlfriend”
I’d like you to meet my…friend? partner? compatriot? Up until this point you haven’t known exactly what to call each other, but the first time he introduces you as his girlfriend, you know the game has shifted.

“Being labeled as his girlfriend — or you calling him your boyfriend — is one way to learn that you are a solid item with your partner,” says Britton. “Once you both say those words out loud it makes it real. Having the pride to give what you two have going on a name is another level of intimacy. It’s an excellent way to go deeper into the next phase of your love bond.”

This usually happens about two months into a relationship and is also around the time when you’ll subject him to your besties (and implore them to go easy on the questions!).

First Time You Let One Fly
This usually happens around the one month mark. You and your new guy are lying in bed, candles are lit, you’re wearing brand new lingerie, soft music is playing…You look deeply into each other’s eyes…and he lets one rip so loudly that you’re sure your neighbor 3-floors down can hear it.

You’re taken by surprise but you don’t really care!

“This milestone reveals your true level of intimacy,” says Patti Britton, PhD, clinical sexologist, founder of SexCoachU.com and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “It means that things have moved from the fantasy of courtship to a real relationship, warts and all. The next time you let your guard down and use a toilet while he’s shaving, or he lets out air during breakfast, know that being more open is going to allow you to get closer — and not just in the bathroom!”

First Time You Stop Being So Darn Agreeable
You’ve been lying through your teeth about giving two craps about hockey for 3 whole months. Then, one day, you let it slip. You hate ice hockey. Hate it. Zambonis are stupid!

Whew. When you start getting real in a relationship it’s kind of a relief. Just don’t be surprised if he admits that those Food Network recipes don’t come out exactly right when you make them.

“Often we tolerate aspects of our relationship or partner because the foundation seems too risky to crack,” says Britton. “But once things feel more stable it’s time to get real. Being more honest is a step in the right direction of an authentic relationship.”

First Time You Attend a Wedding Together
At around the six month mark, many couples have said the “L” word to one another. But an equally important milestone is getting up the guts to ask him to accompany you to a friend’s wedding (or going as his date). This is like a coming out party for your relationship — it announces that you’re serious and brings up heavy topics like marriage and forever-ness. Plus, watching people you care about take vows can turn into an emotional moment for the two of you.

“The sheer emotionality of attending a wedding can provoke a deep emotional response,” says Britton. “Ceremonies can evoke spiritual connections. Often couples in the dating mode find that it triggers a reaction of ‘where does that leave us?’ Be aware of the feelings that surface and use them for learning more about your own relationship.”

First Time You Meet the Family
Nine months in, expect him to take you for an awkward brunch with his parents. Or, maybe it’s to his weird Uncle Joe’s annual chili-off. Whatever the event is, the bottom line is that he’s introducing you to his people and showing you where he comes from. (And you’ll do the same.)

Another part of this milestone is realizing that perhaps not all of his folks are great people, but knowing that’s ok and that he’s his own person (and so are you).

“Sometimes meeting the family provides feedback about the person you’re dating,” says Britton. “You may see characteristics about him being expressed you never saw before or those pet peeves you have about him can become magnified in the presence of their origins! How we are with our biological families can speak volumes about how a person really thinks, feels and behaves. Sometimes these visits are the key to unlocking greater love and intimacy. Or they can backfire and send you packing.”

First Comfortable Silence
You’re in the car, driving along, there’s no radio, no conversation, just utter silence. Instead of thinking up a topic for discussion you realize that it’s okay to just “be”. “You’re not concerned with filling up the silences with words to try and prove to yourself that you are connected. You can actually relax and just be with each other…which then allows you to access a whole other layer of intimacy,” says Dr. Sadie Allison, founder of TickleKitty.com and author of Tickle My Tush: Mild-to-Wild Analplay Adventures for Everybooty.

The comfortable silence can happen around the one year mark, and it’s probably the biggest way a couple knows they are just naturally, effortlessly…together.

“That comfortable silence is significant because it demonstrates that you have security in your relationship,” says Allison.

First Time You Face Tragedy Together
When you’ve been together for over a year, you’re bound to face some type of tragedy, such as a death or difficult situation. Any time before this, you might have just sent a bouquet. But now, you’ve been together long enough to really lean on each other.

“Facing a tragedy as a couple allows you to experience a greater appreciation of what you have together. It allows you to observe how you’ll each be there for one another in a profound and compassionate way during hard times,” says Allison.

If you make it through each other’s expectations, you’ll know you can get through almost anything with your partner at your side.

First Time You Realize You’re in it for the Long Haul
In the movies, a sparkly engagement ring presented by a nervous man on bended knee is what signifies the seriousness of a relationship. But in real life, it’s the smaller moments — like the day he moves his underwear over to your place or the adoption of a stray cat that you’ll care for together — that says this relationship is for the long-term. This usually happens after a year and a half of dating.

“When you share a moment like this, you’re now receiving — and accepting — the trueness and longevity of your connection,” says Allison. “For some this is the point where one’s heart goes from ‘dating’ mode to ‘partnership’.”

First Blowout Fight
All couples have fights, even nasty ones that include hurtful words, threats and objects thrown on the front lawn. “It’s unrealistic to think you’ll never have a blowout fight if you’re going to be with someone for a long time. It shows you’re in touch with reality, and that you are willing to communicate and listen to each other, and do the work to get through it,” says Allison.

But the type of fight that happens at around three years in is usually the kind that calls your entire relationship into question — and makes the two of you think long and hard as to whether you should put in the effort or call it quits.

“Working through a big blowout fight can show that you both are choosing to stay together and are willing to address any issues that arise,” says Allison. This will be a true test.

First Time You Realize He’s Your Family
Whether or not you have kids, you suddenly feel like he is “home.” The time before the five years you’ve now been together doesn’t seem to exist and all your best memories include him.

“This is the moment you become aware that your guy is someone that you ‘chose,’” says Allison. “It’s a big step forward when you realize that it’s not about the family you were born into or raised with, but about the family you two are creating and have chosen.”

Article from iVillage Canada written by Ronnie Koenig

Quotes of the Week | Just for Laughs

Susie LeeLeave a comment

”I haven’t failed.
I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
– Thomas Edison

”It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.”
– Howard Ruff

”The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it over and put it back in your pocket.”
– Will Rogers

”When you come to the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.”
– Franklin D. Roosevelt

”Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain

“If you want to test your memory,
try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.”
– E. Joseph Cossman

”Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”
– Henry Ford

”If you keep saying things are going to be bad,
you have a chance of being a prophet.”
– Isaac B. Singer

”A mind is like a parachute,
it doesn’t work if it isn’t open.”
– Frank Zappa

“If you want to make your dreams come true,
the first thing you have to do is wake up.”
– J.M. Power

“Luck is a dividend of sweat.
The more you sweat, the luckier you get.”
– Ray Kroc

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last.
Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
– Zig Ziglar

“The elevator to success is out of order.
You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard

“I don’t know the key to success
but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
– Bill Cosby

Relationships Make Life Colorful

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plants

In my home, I have a number of houseplants scattered throughout the windowsills, floor, tables and stands.  I love having them around because they bring life and color into a room.  But they take work.  Every few days, I check to see if the soil needs water.  Every few weeks, I give them plant food.  And every few years, I transfer them into a bigger pot.  Over time, I’ve learned my plants have preferences, some like to be in direct sunlight and others like to be in shade.  I’ve also found they tend to flourish in health and strength when I talk to them sweetly… so I talk to my plants often.

Just like houseplants, relationships bring life and color into our lives.  But it takes work.  We need to put physical time, emotional energy and mental capacity into it.  Without this effort, our relationships resemble an artificial plant – fake and lifeless.

Usually when people are dissatisfied with their relationships they may use the term the grass is greener on the other side.  The ‘other’ side being happier, fulfilling and abundant.  But I believe if they channel that energy in maintaining their own lawn, it would be just as vibrant and green too.  But I understand that sometimes, it’s easier to compare and complain rather than put the work into it.

Every relationship takes a lot of work, sacrifice and love.  Strong, healthy, long lasting couples and friendships don’t just magically ‘happen,’ they take time to cultivate and flourish.  Here are a few ways to build your relationship:

Commitment
Make right choices despite how you feel
Accept them without trying to change them
Be there through the ups and downs – good times and bad
Choose to love them especially when the feelings aren’t there

Communication
Talk, listen and engage actively
Be honest with them even though it’s hard
Patiently figure out the heart of the issue in conversations
Accept and understand the other person’s point of view

Connection
Have fun together
Have common interests
Make time for each other in person, by phone or by computer
Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, or intellectual connection

Caring
Honor them by accepting who are
Celebrate the things that matter to them
Look out for their best interest and well-being
Meet spoken and unspoken needs (emotionally or practically)

Relationships are like investments that will grow over time.  And the return will be substantial as it will nourish our souls and enrich our lives.  It’s the connection we make with another soul that draws us deeper mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

May your days be richer and fuller because of the colorful relationships that bring life, love and joy to you.  And in turn, may you paint a colorful canvas on someone else’s life.

© 2012 Susie Lee

Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
-William James

Disappointments | Re-evaluate & Re-create

Susie Lee2 Comments

At some point in our lives, it’s inevitable we’ll face disappointments. It might be with our career, relationships (or a lack of), health or the world at large.  The good news is that disappointments come whenever we attempt to do anything great in our lives or for the world.  The not so good news is that it’s closely followed by resistance, doubt, cynicism, or setbacks in the pursuit of that greatness.

Why this gloomy topic?  Because I know some of us are in this journey right now.  Disappointments will often crush determination with hopelessness, despair and “what’s the use?”  Our minds and bodies will begin to shut down with weariness.  I find when I’m in this place; it helps to step away from my efforts and rest.  In the meantime, I connect with my family and friends for encouragement – drawing strength and wisdom from them.  I, also, read books, get out in nature, watch movies and listen to songs that will inspire me, as it fills me up with love, light and life. After a period of time, I have the newfound energy to help me move forward with clarity, courage and creativity.

But I understand this overwhelming feeling of despair might be a heavy burden for some people to carry that they may decide to throw in the towel.  For others, this feeling of despair may become a catalyst to grow stronger and wiser – fueling their passion, energy, and creativity.  They can choose to remain in despair or see the undercurrent of hope.  For many people, this is where the rubber meets the road.

My message to you is don’t give up on your convictions.  Disappointments are a part of the journey; it’s a sign that you’re closer to success than when you first started.  You’re an amazing being who is highly adaptable and strong-willed.  When the weight of the world is crushing you – there’s still more inside of you.  You can never be completely crushed unless you allow it.  Continue to explore, discover, create and dream of a better world… and a better you.

© 2012 Susie Lee

*This article is dedicated to my aquaterra tv co-host Peter Ormesher

Quotes ::
Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment,
put your head down and plow ahead.
– Les Brown

Enthusiasm is followed by disappointment and even depression,
and then by renewed enthusiasm.
– Murray Gell-Mann

Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal;
it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.
– Eliza Tabor

One’s best success comes after their greatest disappointments.
– Henry Ward Beecher

The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire;
the size of your dream;and how you handle disappointment along the way.
– Robert Kiyosaki

Giving Something Up in Exchange for Something Greater

Susie Lee2 Comments

Around this time of year, many Christians and Catholics from around the world observe Lent. They choose to abstain from certain foods or pleasurable activities for 40 days leading up to the single most important event of their faith, the resurrection of Jesus Christ, otherwise known as Easter. Some popular choices include, giving up desserts, taking time out from social media, refraining from deep fried foods, being caffeine-free or simply unplugging the TV… I know it sounds absurd, why would anyone want to give these up? It’s an annual spiritual pilgrimage believers go on to grow closer to God and grow stronger in their faith. So instead of surfing on their iPhone they might use that time to read their Bible or write in their journal. Or when tempted to reach for the sprinkle colored donut, they might see it as a reminder to pray for family, friends or the world around them. This may be a foreign, even strange, concept to those who aren’t familiar with Lent.

I believe this practice of ‘giving something up in exchange’ can benefit anyone. Your exchange may not be for spiritual reasons but you can make it deeply personal and meaningful. It can be giving up something tangible like your late night snacks to the intangible like a negative attitude? Or instead of giving up, why not take something on? Encourage a person everyday, ‘ungrudge’ those grudges, look on the brighter side of things, read to the elderly, become a Big Brother or Sister, write that book or take that class?

Over time, this practice will de-clutter the mind and create more space within the soul to grow. It will help you to focus by letting go of things that slowly steal your time or letting go of attitudes that unconsciously hold you back. I’m not advocating that vices are bad but I believe, sometimes, they have an invisible hold on us. How strong – only you would know. I’m confident that you will feel and see a difference within 40 days. If you’ve decided to take up this challenge, I would love to hear how your journey’s going – where it’s taking you and where you are.

I’ve heard it takes 21 days to break a habit and 30 days to retrain a new one. Hmm… This sounds vaguely like the New Year’s resolutions doesn’t it? And while we’re on that topic, how’s that going for you these days?

© 2012 Susie Lee

Unmet Expectations

Susie Lee1 Comment

It’s February 14th and the woman has high unspoken hopes that her man will make this day very, very special.  She anticipates either a romantic getaway or a fine dining experience or perhaps a long awaited engagement ring.  But when he fails to meet her expectations, she becomes sorely disappointed and deeply hurt.  She assumes he does not love or cherish her.  She tries to persuade him that if he did what he was supposed to do, she wouldn’t be feeling this way.  She finally lashes out at him in rage and anger because she feels unloved, unheard, misunderstood or all of the above.  This special night soon turns into an ugly battle of accusations.  Of course this is just a hypothetical scenario but I’m sure it happens to some couples every year.  Unmet expectations.

How many times do we set ourselves up for misery and loneliness when we have unmet expectations?  We want things to be a certain way or people to behave in a certain way and when they don’t live up to our expectations, we begin to blame, criticize, compare, make assumptions, hold grudges, or play the victim – driving the wedge deeper into our pain and in between the relationship.  Expectations can be unrealistic because unconsciously we’re asking people to be perfect.  And no one is.  And it can also, be self-centered because it focus’ on our needs and wants.  And if unmet, our reaction can be selfish and destructive because we’re more concerned about what we didn’t get, at the expense of harmony.

We cannot rely on others to fulfill our hopes and dreams, and deceive ourselves that they will make us happy.  It’s a vicious trap that will only lead to strife and much pain for us and involuntary for the other person.  Expectations may rise from a deeper issue:  Do you love me?  Do you respect me?  Am I important to you?  Am I priority in your thoughts and in your life?  The next time you feel an expectation creeping up, step back and ask yourself these questions.  If you start the conversation from there, it’ll save you a lot of pain and heartache.  Love never demands but requests.  But you’ll have to accept the fact that the answer may sometimes be a “No.”

Always remember whenever we set expectations, we set people up for failure and we set ourselves up for disappointment.

© 2012 Susie Lee

Maximizing the Small Moments

Susie Lee3 Comments

Yesterday, I wrote on how small choices can impact long-term goals.  Today, I want to share 4 simple daily actions I have been practicing.  These small actions not only make a big difference in relationships but it also sets the mood for the day.  Dr. Currie’s article addresses marriages but these simple actions can work in other relationships.

Making the Moments Matter Each Day by Dr. Dave Currie

“Have you ever heard it said, ‘Little things go a long way’?

It’s true. What is said and done in even a few seconds can radically change your life. Moments matter even more in a marriage. Words can kill or words can bring life – all in a flash. The choices you make in a moment can draw you closer to your mate or create distance. A few words can proclaim a welcome or drive in a wedge. It’s up to you.

Every day there are reoccurring events that we all could capitalize on. These are moments that will really matter with your mate. The better you handle these times, the stronger your connection. The more you make of these minutes, the deeper your friendship will be. This is how love grows.

Let’s look at four times every day when there’s a great chance to connect with your spouse. Used well, they will set the tone for the day and be at the heart of creating a satisfying and lasting marriage. These four moments are: Good Morning, Goodbye, Hello and Good Night. They are the first and last moments of the daily interchange in your lives. And yet they are consistent opportunities that most of us miss.

Maximize the ‘Good Morning’ moment

At the first sign of life, you can set the tone for the day. If your mate is awake, pull him or her close. Say nothing at first; just be in each other’s arms. Think through your first words. Be intentional with your commitment to love.

Even if your mate is still sleeping, let your first gestures be acts of kindness. Leave tracks of love: Turn on the coffee, or put toothpaste on your spouse’s toothbrush. Try leaving short notes on the counter, dresser or mirror.

Also, work hard to start the day without negative, critical words. Remember that each day is a fresh start to love better.

What if your spouse is still sleeping when you leave? Is it more loving to kiss your spouse goodbye and risk waking him or her or to leave quietly and not disturb your spouse’s sleep? The answer is to let your spouse make this call. Ask.

Maintain a ‘Goodbye’ routine

At some point each day, you will go your separate ways. Your spouse’s departure needs to take precedence over other things, at least for a few minutes. No matter who is heading out first, establish a goodbye routine. Since my sweetheart is vertically challenged, we meet at the steps by the front door so our farewell kiss and hug will be face-to-face.

Whether you ask questions about the day or offer a word of encouragement, use the moment to wrap your love around the heart of your mate. This closeness will provide strength for the day and an anchor that will draw your spouse back to you.

Tell the kids what you are doing: “I’ll be right back. I want to say goodbye to your father.” It’s great modelling.

Try a 10-second hug – actually count in your head if necessary. Linger for a bit, let your arms say, “I am here for you.”

Research shows that kissing your mate goodbye as you leave causes you to live on average five years longer and have a higher standard of living. So, stop what you are doing, embrace, kiss, and make your last words good words.

Magnify the reunion ‘Hello’ 

At some point, you will reconnect again. At this time, both of you should think, “My spouse is my priority.” It is just as much the responsibility of the one coming in the door as it is the one already inside. Both need to lay down the issues of the day for the reunion. Welcome each other warmly. Be as upbeat as possible for these first few minutes. Your actions are saying, “It’s good to see you. I missed you.”

You need to discuss the hurdles of the day – but this is not the time. Debrief your days your way … and remember to show interest in your spouse’s day. But share these events in bit-sized chunks during your evening.

My babe has started to hurry to the door when I announce, “I’m home,” and the smiles, the teasing and the laughter begin. We hug and kiss like we are meeting at the airport.

One friend said, “I don’t want the dogs to be happier to see him than I am.” Without fail, she stops what she is doing to run and embrace and kiss her man. He says that coming home is the best part of his day. No kidding. 

Master the ‘Good Night’ finale

It’s time to turn out the lights for the day. Make this moment count too. Try to go to bed together as part of your attempt to stay connected. Even if one of you is a night owl, aim at going to bed at the same time at least five nights of the week. If one feels the need to go to bed earlier, that spouse should initiate the closure of the day. If one wants to stay up beyond the usual time, that spouse should stop what he or she is doing to say good night and connect appropriately.

 Donalyn and I have made it a practice to pray together every night. Braiding God into our lives has kept our marriage strong. Our finale always includes saying, “Good night,” saying, “I love you” and a kiss (well, sometimes more too).

You’ll never regret putting your marriage and family first, especially in the moments that matter.”

For more information:  www.DoingFamilyRight.com

Small Decisions Contribute to Long-Term Goals

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As I set long-term goals for the New Year, I do not want to underestimate the impact of small decisions I make everyday. These positive or negative choices will either contribute to or hinder my goals. The daily choices I make will eventually form into a habit, which will then turn into a lifestyle. I want my goals to be more than just for this year but for the many years to come. To have an effective long-term goal, it must be coupled with positive short-term decisions I make in the moment. I want to share an excerpt from this book I read over the holidays that describes it so well:

“We also need to make better choices in the moment. As Nobel Prize-winning economist Thomas Schelling described, we behave as if we’re two different people: one who wants a lean body and another who wants dessert.

Even small short-term differences in how we allocate our time can result in better days. An extra half-hour of sleep or an extra hour of social time can be the difference between a great day and a mediocre day. Changing our daily routine a little can have a big impact on the quality of each day.

On a given day, we might sit around and respond to problems at work instead of initiating. We might passively watch TV rather than getting out and exercising. Or maybe we spend on something now that creates stress in a few weeks or months. We might even think about doing something to give back to our community, but decide we’ll do it later and never get around to it. Days like this start a vicious cycle.

Just one day when we eat poorly, skip exercising, are stressed at work, don’t get enough social time, and worry about money leads to a host of negative outcomes. On days like this, we have less energy, we look worse, we don’t treat people well, and we get a lousy night’s sleep. As a result, we miss the reset provided by a sound night of sleep, and the cycle continues.

When we break this downward spiral and get a good night’s sleep, we’re off to the right start. This allows us to wake up refreshed and increases our chances of exercising in the morning. If we can use our strengths at our job every day, this connects our daily activities to a much higher purpose and allows us to get more done. Between work and time with our friends and family, if we can get in six hours of social time, chances are, we’ll have 10 times as many good moments as stressful ones.

One of the best ways to create more good days is by setting positive defaults. Any time you help your short-term self work with your long-term self, you have an opportunity. You can intentionally choose to spend more time with the people you enjoy most and engage your strengths as much as possible. You can structure your finances to minimize the worry caused by debt. You can make exercise a standard part of your routine. You can make healthier decisions in the supermarket so you don’t have to trust yourself when you have a craving a few days later. And you can make commitments to community, religious, or volunteer groups, knowing that you will follow through once you’ve signed up in advance. Through these daily choices, you create stronger friendships, families, workplaces, and communities.”

-Well Being The Five Essential Elements by Tom Rath & Jim Harter (pgs. 110-112)