Tag: Relationships

The Key to Physical Intimacy is Emotional Intimacy

Susie LeeLeave a comment

(Borrowed in part from our friends at HealthyMarriageTips.com)

Supermarket magazines bombard us with a constant stream of “Secrets to the Best Sex Ever”.

Here is the real secret.

If you increase the quality of your emotional intimacy you will significantly increase the quality and quantity of your physical intimacy.

Physical intimacy can take place with a total stranger and while it will be physically exciting it can never come close to the exultant ecstasy that comes from becoming one with your spouse with whom you have developed a strong emotional bond.

Emotional intimacy usually takes time to develop. It can’t be rushed or purchased. But it can be built one conversation and one experience at a time.

Before going much further it would also be good to give you our definition of emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is your perceived sense of closeness with your spouse.

It’s built on trust, acceptance, forgiveness and knowing that the other person honestly wants what is best for you and “has your back”.

On average women tend to develop emotional intimacy through words and men tend to develop emotional intimacy through experiences. An example for women would be when they share their feelings about something they are struggling with. An example for men would be a hard and difficult experience that they overcame like fighting in a war, participating on a sports team, or any other shared physical activity that involves an element of danger and or difficulty.

Emotional intimacy also involves a tremendous amount of risk. It leaves you vulnerable to getting hurt because it involves lowering your walls and allowing someone else inside your defenses. Which in turn could allow them to use what they learned later on to hurt you.

It’s no wonder that Paul Simon wrote,

“I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain….

…If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.”

Yet even still there exists inside all men and women the desire and the need to feel close to someone.

So how do you have “safe” emotional intimacy? And how do you build and strengthen it?

The first step is to realize that no one is perfect. In other words you will never be able to engage in “safe” emotional intimacy. You will make mistakes and so will your spouse. What you can work towards is an emotionally intimate relationship in which you both quickly apologize and forgive each other when you do occasionally hurt each other. In a future tip we will cover how to accomplish this. The keyword though is, occasionally hurt each other. Emotional abuse is real and can be far more damaging then physical abuse. We will address emotional abuse in a future tip as well.

The second step is to engage in activities that will help your emotional intimacy grow stronger. For men that means setting aside time to JUST LISTEN. When a man hears a problem they want to fix it as quickly as possible and move on. Bite your tongue and let your wife talk about her feelings. If she asks you for a possible solution then feel free to share your ideas, otherwise JUST LISTEN. The other skill that MUST accompany listening is empathy. It’s not good enough to just keep your mouth shut. You also need to try and understand how she feels. Does this skill come naturally to most men. No, but it is like any other skill. It can be learned. At first it will feel awkward, but no more awkward than dribbling a basketball and shooting a layup with your offhand. If you stick with it and develop the skill, then the rewards in the physical intimacy area will be more than you can possibly imagine.

Besides setting aside at least 15 minutes a day to just talk, other activities you can engage in to build emotional intimacy include sharing with each other your dreams, struggles, difficult experiences you went through growing up, participating in difficult physical activities together like training for a marathon or backpacking in the mountains, praying together, sharing embarrassing moments, making promises and keeping them, sharing two things a day that you appreciate that your spouse did that day, saying please and thank you, asking about his or her day, giving at least a paragraph long response to “how was your day”, writing thank you notes, trying to see the world from your spouses perspective, complimenting your spouse, being totally faithful to your spouse, making sacrifices for your spouse and brainstorming other ways to strengthen your bond of emotional intimacy.

It also takes being intentional and even coming up with a plan . So make it happen and the rewards will come pouring in.

For more tips, log on to HealthyMarriageTips.com

Quotes of the Week | Words to Live By

Susie Lee2 Comments

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.
– Marcel Pagnol

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.
– Will Rogers

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
– Anonymous

You are not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations,
nor should you feel the world must live up to yours.
– F Perl

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.
– Harvey Fierstein

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
– John Wooden

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love,
and let it come in.
– Morrie Schwartz

Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.
But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder.
– Henry David Thoreau

It’s impossible” said pride.
“It’s risky” said experience.
“It’s pointless” said reason.
“Give it a try” whispered the heart.
– Anonymous

Your task is not to seek love, but to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
– Rumi

Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.
-Anonymous

10 Habits of a Happy Couple

Susie Lee5 Comments

As life gets busier, sometimes it’s easy for couples to unconsciously let their relationships slip to the wayside.  But it’s possible to keep it strong even in the midst of busyness.  Here are 10 simple ways:

  1. Talk
  2. Date
  3. Spend time apart
  4. Let small things slide
  5. Touch
  6. Fight fair
  7. Stay intimate
  8. Say thank you (and please)
  9. Keep it surprising
  10. Make the effort

It’s helpful to write these down where you can see them; post-it on your computer, fridge, bathroom mirror, dining room table, kitchen sink – somewhere where you’ll see it as a daily reminder.  Of course, this is in no way an exhaustive list but it’s a simple and practical list that will get you back on track towards intimacy.

Have fun and enjoy each other. Always. Love and laugh lots.

© 2012 Susie Lee

*10 simple ways were taken from Today’s Parent February 2006.
To read the full article:  click here

Relationships Make Life Colorful

Susie LeeLeave a comment

plants

In my home, I have a number of houseplants scattered throughout the windowsills, floor, tables and stands.  I love having them around because they bring life and color into a room.  But they take work.  Every few days, I check to see if the soil needs water.  Every few weeks, I give them plant food.  And every few years, I transfer them into a bigger pot.  Over time, I’ve learned my plants have preferences, some like to be in direct sunlight and others like to be in shade.  I’ve also found they tend to flourish in health and strength when I talk to them sweetly… so I talk to my plants often.

Just like houseplants, relationships bring life and color into our lives.  But it takes work.  We need to put physical time, emotional energy and mental capacity into it.  Without this effort, our relationships resemble an artificial plant – fake and lifeless.

Usually when people are dissatisfied with their relationships they may use the term the grass is greener on the other side.  The ‘other’ side being happier, fulfilling and abundant.  But I believe if they channel that energy in maintaining their own lawn, it would be just as vibrant and green too.  But I understand that sometimes, it’s easier to compare and complain rather than put the work into it.

Every relationship takes a lot of work, sacrifice and love.  Strong, healthy, long lasting couples and friendships don’t just magically ‘happen,’ they take time to cultivate and flourish.  Here are a few ways to build your relationship:

Commitment
Make right choices despite how you feel
Accept them without trying to change them
Be there through the ups and downs – good times and bad
Choose to love them especially when the feelings aren’t there

Communication
Talk, listen and engage actively
Be honest with them even though it’s hard
Patiently figure out the heart of the issue in conversations
Accept and understand the other person’s point of view

Connection
Have fun together
Have common interests
Make time for each other in person, by phone or by computer
Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, or intellectual connection

Caring
Honor them by accepting who are
Celebrate the things that matter to them
Look out for their best interest and well-being
Meet spoken and unspoken needs (emotionally or practically)

Relationships are like investments that will grow over time.  And the return will be substantial as it will nourish our souls and enrich our lives.  It’s the connection we make with another soul that draws us deeper mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

May your days be richer and fuller because of the colorful relationships that bring life, love and joy to you.  And in turn, may you paint a colorful canvas on someone else’s life.

© 2012 Susie Lee

Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
-William James

Quotes of the Week | Love

Susie LeeLeave a comment

Every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says,
‘Make me feel important.’ If you can do that, you’ll be a success not only in business,
but in life as well.

-Mary Kay Ash

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
-Mother Teresa

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries.
Without them humanity cannot survive.
-Dalai Lama

Love will find a way.
Indifference will find an excuse.

-Ukrainian proverb

Acceptance :: One of the Hardest Things

Susie LeeLeave a comment

Tom has the tendency to have a pessimistic outlook in life.  Stacy gets defensive and takes things personally.  Susan is usually consumed with her own problems that she fails to see the needs of other’s around her.  David is frugal with his money, time and affection.  Darcy is rude, inconsiderate and holds on to grudges.  Charlie is suspicious and thinks the worst of everyone.

You may have encountered some of these fictional characters in real life or may be living under the same roof with one.  At some point in time, you may have secretly (or openly) wished they were better, different, exciting, spontaneous, funny, or outgoing.  How do we reconcile our feelings with the reality of ‘this is the way they are’?  In this article, I’m going to write about one of the hardest things to do in life but an essential component in relationships:  Accepting the other person for who they are.  I mean truly accepting them without any unconscious intentions to try to change them, even for the better.

I believe one of the reasons it’s hard to accept another person for who they are is because we have a natural tendency to filter people’s actions, behavior and personality, through our own life experiences, upbringing and perspective.  It’s through this paradigm we view the world and the people in it.  And when they don’t ‘fit’ into our worldview box we come up against feelings of frustration, agitation, or unhappiness.  And unless we change the way we think, give up our ‘only-best-right way’ attitude, shift our paradigm, alter our perspective, this mountain will remain impossible to climb.  So how do we do this?

Like most things in life, we always have a choice.  In this case, we can choose to accept or change the person or walk away.  In accepting the person with their ‘flaws’ we let go of control, experience a peace of mind, invite harmony into the relationship and see the bigger picture of life.  On the other hand, if you’re determined to change them you’ll end up on a dead end road of frustration and a battle of wills.  But if the first two options are not feasible or working out for you the way you’d like, then the third option might be the best solution for the both of you.

The irony of trying to change someone is that it is us who changes, for the worse.  Let me explain, your decision will ultimately affect you.  If you choose to accept someone for who they are, the possible benefits you’ll reap will be having more patience, peace, freedom, compassion, and unity.  But the consequences of trying to change someone will cripple you with cynicism, negativity, unwillingness, bitterness, anger, or resentment.  This change in you won’t happen overnight but over a period of time.

My motto lately for acceptance has been, “Life’s too short.”  Life’s too short to fuss and fume. Too short to stay upset and hold a grudge.  Too short to point the finger and accuse.  Too short to be miserable because the person is not what they’re ‘suppose’ to be.  Too short to believe the myth I’d be happier if they changed.  Ultimately what I’m demanding them to be is a mirrored image of myself.  And I guarantee eventually I’ll find a flaw or two.

Of course, there are exceptions to every case; you don’t want to condone destructive habits or abusive behavior.  Tough love will call for a change and for a period of time, you may need to love them from a distance while they get the help they need.

One of the key ways in accepting another person is through appreciation.  Focus on the good qualities they already possess – strengths, positive character traits, accomplishments, their hopes and dreams.  Then share this admiration to the person genuinely without expecting anything in return.  I believe this seed of authentic appreciation and unconditional acceptance will blossom into something beautiful in them.  And please don’t be hurt or offended if they don’t appreciate your appreciation, this is bound to happen.  Mainly, you have to do it for yourself, your peace of mind, sanity, and happiness.  And my hope is that one day you’ll also experience the same unconditional acceptance you showed to others.  Making this world a beautiful place to live in.

©2012 Susie Lee

Food for Thought ::
“Strive to be patient; bear with the faults and frailties of others, for you, too, have many faults which others have to bear.  If you cannot mould yourself as you would wish, how can you expect other people to be entirely to your liking?  For we require other people to be perfect, but do not correct our own faults.
We wish to see others severely reprimanded; yet we are unwilling to be corrected ourselves.  We wish to restrict the liberty of others, but are not willing to be denied anything ourselves.  We wish others to be bound by rules, yet we will not let ourselves be bound.  It is amply evident, therefore, that we seldom consider our neighbor in the same light as ourselves…”
-The Imitation of Christ pg. 44

Quotes ::
You take people as far as they will go,
not as far as you would like them to go.
-Jeannette Rankin

Whenever two people meet there are really six people present.
There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him,
and each man as he really is.
-William James

Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.
-Unknown

When you find peace within yourself,
you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
-Peace Pilgrim

Unmet Expectations

Susie Lee1 Comment

It’s February 14th and the woman has high unspoken hopes that her man will make this day very, very special.  She anticipates either a romantic getaway or a fine dining experience or perhaps a long awaited engagement ring.  But when he fails to meet her expectations, she becomes sorely disappointed and deeply hurt.  She assumes he does not love or cherish her.  She tries to persuade him that if he did what he was supposed to do, she wouldn’t be feeling this way.  She finally lashes out at him in rage and anger because she feels unloved, unheard, misunderstood or all of the above.  This special night soon turns into an ugly battle of accusations.  Of course this is just a hypothetical scenario but I’m sure it happens to some couples every year.  Unmet expectations.

How many times do we set ourselves up for misery and loneliness when we have unmet expectations?  We want things to be a certain way or people to behave in a certain way and when they don’t live up to our expectations, we begin to blame, criticize, compare, make assumptions, hold grudges, or play the victim – driving the wedge deeper into our pain and in between the relationship.  Expectations can be unrealistic because unconsciously we’re asking people to be perfect.  And no one is.  And it can also, be self-centered because it focus’ on our needs and wants.  And if unmet, our reaction can be selfish and destructive because we’re more concerned about what we didn’t get, at the expense of harmony.

We cannot rely on others to fulfill our hopes and dreams, and deceive ourselves that they will make us happy.  It’s a vicious trap that will only lead to strife and much pain for us and involuntary for the other person.  Expectations may rise from a deeper issue:  Do you love me?  Do you respect me?  Am I important to you?  Am I priority in your thoughts and in your life?  The next time you feel an expectation creeping up, step back and ask yourself these questions.  If you start the conversation from there, it’ll save you a lot of pain and heartache.  Love never demands but requests.  But you’ll have to accept the fact that the answer may sometimes be a “No.”

Always remember whenever we set expectations, we set people up for failure and we set ourselves up for disappointment.

© 2012 Susie Lee

Quotes of the Week: Do It Now!

Susie Lee2 Comments

“What you are planning to do tomorrow, do today;
what you are going to do today, do right now.”
-Indian Proverb

“The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers.
But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.”
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

This week I encourage you:
Don’t procrastinate. Don’t wait. Don’t fear. Don’t doubt.
Take the risk. Do it now. Seize the moment. Dream BIG.
And take positive steps towards it.
-susie lee

Have a great surprised filled week!

Maximizing the Small Moments

Susie Lee3 Comments

Yesterday, I wrote on how small choices can impact long-term goals.  Today, I want to share 4 simple daily actions I have been practicing.  These small actions not only make a big difference in relationships but it also sets the mood for the day.  Dr. Currie’s article addresses marriages but these simple actions can work in other relationships.

Making the Moments Matter Each Day by Dr. Dave Currie

“Have you ever heard it said, ‘Little things go a long way’?

It’s true. What is said and done in even a few seconds can radically change your life. Moments matter even more in a marriage. Words can kill or words can bring life – all in a flash. The choices you make in a moment can draw you closer to your mate or create distance. A few words can proclaim a welcome or drive in a wedge. It’s up to you.

Every day there are reoccurring events that we all could capitalize on. These are moments that will really matter with your mate. The better you handle these times, the stronger your connection. The more you make of these minutes, the deeper your friendship will be. This is how love grows.

Let’s look at four times every day when there’s a great chance to connect with your spouse. Used well, they will set the tone for the day and be at the heart of creating a satisfying and lasting marriage. These four moments are: Good Morning, Goodbye, Hello and Good Night. They are the first and last moments of the daily interchange in your lives. And yet they are consistent opportunities that most of us miss.

Maximize the ‘Good Morning’ moment

At the first sign of life, you can set the tone for the day. If your mate is awake, pull him or her close. Say nothing at first; just be in each other’s arms. Think through your first words. Be intentional with your commitment to love.

Even if your mate is still sleeping, let your first gestures be acts of kindness. Leave tracks of love: Turn on the coffee, or put toothpaste on your spouse’s toothbrush. Try leaving short notes on the counter, dresser or mirror.

Also, work hard to start the day without negative, critical words. Remember that each day is a fresh start to love better.

What if your spouse is still sleeping when you leave? Is it more loving to kiss your spouse goodbye and risk waking him or her or to leave quietly and not disturb your spouse’s sleep? The answer is to let your spouse make this call. Ask.

Maintain a ‘Goodbye’ routine

At some point each day, you will go your separate ways. Your spouse’s departure needs to take precedence over other things, at least for a few minutes. No matter who is heading out first, establish a goodbye routine. Since my sweetheart is vertically challenged, we meet at the steps by the front door so our farewell kiss and hug will be face-to-face.

Whether you ask questions about the day or offer a word of encouragement, use the moment to wrap your love around the heart of your mate. This closeness will provide strength for the day and an anchor that will draw your spouse back to you.

Tell the kids what you are doing: “I’ll be right back. I want to say goodbye to your father.” It’s great modelling.

Try a 10-second hug – actually count in your head if necessary. Linger for a bit, let your arms say, “I am here for you.”

Research shows that kissing your mate goodbye as you leave causes you to live on average five years longer and have a higher standard of living. So, stop what you are doing, embrace, kiss, and make your last words good words.

Magnify the reunion ‘Hello’ 

At some point, you will reconnect again. At this time, both of you should think, “My spouse is my priority.” It is just as much the responsibility of the one coming in the door as it is the one already inside. Both need to lay down the issues of the day for the reunion. Welcome each other warmly. Be as upbeat as possible for these first few minutes. Your actions are saying, “It’s good to see you. I missed you.”

You need to discuss the hurdles of the day – but this is not the time. Debrief your days your way … and remember to show interest in your spouse’s day. But share these events in bit-sized chunks during your evening.

My babe has started to hurry to the door when I announce, “I’m home,” and the smiles, the teasing and the laughter begin. We hug and kiss like we are meeting at the airport.

One friend said, “I don’t want the dogs to be happier to see him than I am.” Without fail, she stops what she is doing to run and embrace and kiss her man. He says that coming home is the best part of his day. No kidding. 

Master the ‘Good Night’ finale

It’s time to turn out the lights for the day. Make this moment count too. Try to go to bed together as part of your attempt to stay connected. Even if one of you is a night owl, aim at going to bed at the same time at least five nights of the week. If one feels the need to go to bed earlier, that spouse should initiate the closure of the day. If one wants to stay up beyond the usual time, that spouse should stop what he or she is doing to say good night and connect appropriately.

 Donalyn and I have made it a practice to pray together every night. Braiding God into our lives has kept our marriage strong. Our finale always includes saying, “Good night,” saying, “I love you” and a kiss (well, sometimes more too).

You’ll never regret putting your marriage and family first, especially in the moments that matter.”

For more information:  www.DoingFamilyRight.com